It was a typical Friday night at our home. My wife and I had
just gotten the kids in bed and realized that we did not have enough milk or
peanut butter to sustain our Saturday morning routine. So I drove to the
closest Dollar General. Upon enter the store, I noticed an unusually long line,
but hoped that once I located my items perhaps it would have dissipated.
Unfortunately, I found myself 7 people from the cashier while juggling a gallon of Clover Valley’s finest dairy and a jar of JIF. Glancing
around at the impulse items, I noticed a display for a bag of “Hot & Crispy”
Microwavable Bacon Curls Pork Rinds. Having never encountered this culinary
delight before, I awkwardly shifted the two items in my hands so that I could retrieve
my cell phone to take a picture.
About the time I raised the phone to eye-level, the woman who
was currently being checked out (hereafter referred to as customer 1) turned
and loudly addressed another customer several people back. In the interest of decency,
I will replace a words used quite frequently with “cuddle” “rainbow” and “peppermint.”
Customer 1 – What the cuddle did you say!?
Customer 2 – (Instantly matching customer 1’s volume & intensity) It is none of you mothercuddling business what I said!
Customer 1 – It’s my mothercuddling business if you are trying to insert yourself into my business! I will knock you the cuddle out!
It is at this juncture I realized that I was still holding my
phone in a manner that could be easily misconstrued as filming this
altercation. Wishing to avoid being cuddled-up by these two, I slowly moved to
place it back into my pocket.
Their conversation continued in form and intensity until the
man who was next in line (attempting to buy anti-freeze) finally broke his
silence and exclaimed, “Lord Jesus! Why can’t there be peace on Earth?!” There
was a moment of respite where both women briefly contemplated his question
before returned to threats of “cuddlin’-up a mother-cuddler” all the while
never acknowledging the gentleman’s presence.
There were two teenage girls in front of me who turned around
to look at me for some sort of direction and I believe I mouthed something
along the lines of “be cool….” The worst part about this was that customer 1
was unable to complete her transaction due to her preoccupation with customer
2. This meant that the line went absolutely nowhere which further ratcheted up
tensions.
Valiantly attempting to defuse the situation once again, the gentleman next in line implored the ladies to cease lest they find their shenanigans “all over SnapChat” and reminded them that there was a long line and they were “scaring the Hell out of the other customers.” Once again, they simply leaned around him to continue their conversation.
Eventually, an employee came from the back and opened another
register to start getting people out of there and the argument stopped. There
was a collectively sigh of relief until Customer 1 looked back up from the
card-reader and took offense to the fact that Customer 2 had not elected to
re-que at the newly opened register.
Customer 1 – You need to take your cuddling rainbow over to the other line!
Customer 2 – I ain’t going nowhere! I got nothing but time peppermint!”
At this, an older woman two customers back from me muttered, “If
they make me have to go to another Dollar General after all this, I’m gonna
kick both of their rainbows.” The yelling continued until the peacemaker’s
buddy (who I had noticed standing by a car with the hood up when I pulled in)
walked through the front doors inquiring as to why it was taking 20 minutes to
get “some damn antifreeze.”
Wisely fearing for his friend’s safety, Peacemaker held out
his hands and said, “Go back outside man! You have no idea what is going down
in the DG tonight! Save yourself!” Taking in the posture of the two women and
the palatable tension in the room, he shrugged and retreated back to his post.
Finally, both women completed their transactions and my clerk
asked the other clerk what had happened. With the same tone and inflection one
might use to describe a price check on soup, she indicated that Customer 2’s
companion had asked what was taking so long and Customer 2 had speculated that
Customer 1 was using digital coupons on her phone. Customer 1 had overheard
this and threats of bodily harm ensued. I was eventually able to buy my items
and get my rainbow home. Blessed are the peacemakers; may their engine coolant
be evermore effective.