A Bathroom Policy For Everyone

So apparently Target’s new bathroom policy has created three groups of people: those who applaud its inclusivity, those who find it morally abhorrent, and people that would pee next to a transsexual clown as long as the facility was clean.

Most opposed to Target's new policy would give you the following scenario:

Pete the Perv puts on a dress, declares himself a woman and sneaks into the women’s restroom to either sexually assault a defenseless young girl or clandestinely-record footage of female patrons relieving themselves.

Most advocating for Target’s new policy would counter with:

Both of those actions are already illegal (and against store policy) so why shouldn’t a private business be allowed to set its own bathroom policy in order to be more accepting of everyone?

I have secretly been attempting to get my wife to boycott Target for years (for financial reasons) and it turns out that she falls in the third category. As best I can tell, getting her to boycott Target would require them tying a kitten to a Harry Potter book and setting them both on fire. So I have decided to speak on behalf of the silent majority.

Let’s face it: when it comes to relieving oneself, no one likes an away game. We all prefer to conduct our business at the home office, but there are times when road games get penciled into the schedule. In those circumstances, I am looking for a few very specific items as a part of your bathroom policy:

Reasonable Cleanliness – I once walked into a rest area in Arkansas and found a turd shoved into a tube sock lying in the middle of the restroom floor. Also, wipe down the stall walls every once in a while. There is nothing like glancing around only to realize that you are in a booger museum. I would rather use a spotless bathroom with gender-fluid Pat than a filthy one with staunchly-hetero Bill.

Soap, Towels, and Toilet Paper – This is common courtesy. If you are going to offer a sink, provide the necessary accessories to utilize it. Same with the toilet. Otherwise it is just accommodational-entrapment. I find this especially aggravating when the proprietor has taken time to hang a sign that encourages you to “Wash Your Hands for Good Health” and yet only give you the opportunity to moisten the germs already present on them.

Baby Changing Stations (especially in men’s rooms) – Contrary to popular belief, there are fathers and grandfathers who change diapers and what we really wish to avoid is having to lay our child on the counter next to someone cursing loudly because there is no soap or paper towels. Also, please follow the manufacturer’s mounting instructions. There are times to cut corners and just use 2 of the 4 provided wall-anchors, but compromising the structural integrity of an infant Murphy-bed is not one of those times.

No Token Paperwork – Please don’t patronize me by placing an “Hourly Restroom Inspection” sheet in a plastic frame behind the door. If I have to read a spreadsheet in order to convince myself that you are cleaning your restroom then you are doing it wrong.

Restroom Placement– Conveniently-located and clearly-marked is the name of the game. Ever tried to pee at a home improvement store? You always have to dodge forklifts and slip down an alleyway. Our local Books-A-Million always has so many boxes stacked up by the men’s room I feel like I am being allowed behind the counter at the UPS store.

If you choose not to go to Target for moral reasons, stand strong and please contact my wife and explain to her why she should do the same. If you are proud of the stance Target has taken, buy more stuff than usual and then contact my wife to tell her that whatever she was going to buy is out-of-stock. If you are pretty certain that, policy or no-policy, your local Target wouldn’t notice if a urologist opened a satellite office in the women’s restroom; hold it till you get home.  

If I misrepresented anyone’s views, please feel free to let me know in the comment section (it is gender-neutral).