Having miraculously managed to get both children into the
same reputable day-care without a hasty religious conversion, we set about
getting our paperwork in order and attending the parental orientation. This was
a big deal because you want to make a good impression on the director while
scoping out the parents of the other kids. I wore my good socks.
The orientation consisted of the director going over the
perpetually-expanding handbook and soliciting feedback from the parents in
attendance. There were the expected questions about lunch routines and
disciplinary procedures, but then a couple behind us began asking questions
about liquid intake. They revealed that their child did not drink “city tap”
and that they would need to provide their own pre-filtering water. The mother
then asked what brand of juice they provided for the children. I am fairly
certain that I heard an audible groan of displeasure when the director
cheerfully answered “whatever’s cheapest.” They also indicated that their child
would need “essential oils” applied in the event of injury. They bookended
these questions by assuring us all that they were not “high maintenance or
anything.”
It was a relief to have this couple in our group since they
would serve as the unofficial threshold for unreasonable requests. Two months
in, I could probably demand my children be addressed as “your majesty” and only
nap facing magnetic north and not get any pushback.
We were then handed the paperwork to complete and bring back
prior to the start of the year. The first few pages were standard fare. Parent
info, emergency contact, child’s doctor, etc. Then the questions started
getting interesting and my wife forbade me from completing the forms. So below
are the actual questions and the answers that I wished to submit:
Does their
child get their own way with other children? If not, how does the child react?
Arson
Is the
entire family together for any time during the day?
We have an airing of grievances each evening at 7:42 PM
If the
child refuses to eat, how is this handled and by whom?
Brutally, and by Liam Neeson
Habits
associated with going to bed / sleep?
Reduced heart-rate / slowed breathing / extended periods of unconsciousness
What word
does your child use for a bowel movement?
Excremental egress
At what age
did the child creep?
This is offensive.
What are
some ways the child plays at home?
He enjoys high-stakes poker and wire fraud
Were there
any problems with pregnancy or your child’s birth?
Unrelenting physical pain followed by a crippling financial burden
Does your
child scratch his/her genital area?
Exclusively
What is
your child afraid of?
Socialism
Does the
child speak well?
Of whom?
Does your
child wet the bed and if so, how is this handled?
Yes, I make him watch through the window while I run over one
of his stuffed animals with the push mower.