Recently my wife and I
had occasion to seek full-time childcare for our kids. When you have multiple
children, the white whale is to have them all placed at the same facility. It
quickly became apparent that this would be next to impossible without a few
well-placed bribes and a possible religious conversion so we began looking
separately while holding on to the hope that we could pull off a miracle.
First was my son, who has literally been on daycare waiting
lists since he was born two years ago. We finally located a reputable and
highly-recommended local program only to discover that his hairstyle was in
direct violation of their dress code which forbade a boy’s hair from covering
their eyes or touching their collar. I can only assume that this is to prevent
the proliferation of marijuana use among the toddlers. This was not necessarily
a sticking point as we had already decided to have his hair cut, but part of me
wanted to push the issue and demand cornrows as a compromise.
I was also somewhat disappointed with the payment options
offered. I was hoping that I could place non-sequential un-marked bills in my
son’s lunchbox along with an ace of spades, but sadly they only accepted bank
auto-draft. In advance. From a Swiss account. I assume that there are a large
number of kited checks in the childcare industry. I hope they have someone
named “Vinny” who performs collections and finds it necessary to lift you off
your feet during conversations about bringing your account current.
There are also extremely strict late-fees. These tend to be
the dollar-a-minute variety and when you are getting that granular I feel that
an atomic clock should be provided by the facility. Otherwise, who is to say
they aren’t a little short this month so somebody decided to move the minute
hand forward and make a quick profit. Who resolves these time disputes? Does
the national observatory weigh in? Is it from the time I get through the front
door or the time that I legally take possession of my offspring?
Once we had finally decided on a place and resigned ourselves
to having our child there, we received a call from a place that could possibly
place them both. All of this was contingent upon several unrelated events (personnel
change, parole revocation, el nino) occurring within a given time frame. As
remote as the possibility was, the prospect was alluring enough that we dropped our original plan for him. Sadly, this was after we’d had his hair cut.
This left my daughter, who we needed a backup plan in case the "white whale" scenario fell through. Like all infants, she was tougher to place. There
are several reasons for this:
1. The state required caregiver-to-child ratio was much lower for infants therefore reducing the profit margin for those who offered it and creating an overall shortage of openings.
2. For the spots that are available, priority is given to siblings of children already enrolled and since our son had never gotten in she was susceptible to rejection by non-association.
3. My wife is fiercely protective of our children.
We found one place that was amazing but they had a fairly
ambiguous facilities citation on their report card from the state, so I placed
a call to the inspector for our area. While we waited for the return call, I
speculated as to what would constitute a facilities violation. Did the play room
share a wall with a metal foundry? Was it the asbestos activity center that
drew the government’s ire?
Once the call was returned, we discovered that the violation
occurred because they had neglected to turn down the default setting for the
hot-water heater thereby creating a situation where a child could potentially
scald themselves. I feel like there should be an easier to decipher rating
system for these inspections. Like sad-face=hot
water in sink and skull and crossbones=unattended firearm in crib.
Almost universally, the daycare brags that they will care for
your children there just as you would at home. I have always wanted to respond
by telling them that I consider myself a subpar parent at best and for what it
costs I would prefer that they actually treat my children better than I would
at home.
The naming is so important with these facilities. There was
even one in our town that had a number 2 after it implying that it was the
sequel to an earlier (perhaps heavily litigated) daycare. I half expected their
motto to be “this time will be different.” In that spirit, I have created a
list of names that should be avoided at all costs:
They Were
Like That When You Dropped Them Off Children’s Center
Little
Blisters Preschool Work Camp
A Felon’s
Touch Daycare
Factory
Seconds Crib Proving Ground
Take a Kid, Leave a Kid Exchange Club
Once Upon a
Plea Bargain’s Discount Sitter Services
Big Jim's Clinical Trials Playschool
