Chiropractors

While speaking to a family member this Christmas, I learned of a fascinating wellness philosophy: the use of chiropractic treatment as a substitute for traditional Western medicine. My wife is a chiropractic patient and has been for years, but had foolishly limited the scope of her care to problems involving her spine. As it turns out, there is a growing number of people who believe that a properly-trained chiropractor can successfully treat or mitigate a staggering number of ailments ranging from influenza to ADHD by correcting “vertebral subluxation.”

I began doing some Internet research on this approach and quickly found myself on the website of Chiro-One Wellness Centers. Chiro-One is an Illinois-based chain that offer extensive chiropractic care for a variety of conditions. The site lists a number of afflictions and how chiropractic care treats them.

ADHD - By correcting nerve interference, function is improved, with greater expression of human potential. Many report terminating drug therapy, and seeing the personality, will, and soul of the child unfolding.

I don’t know what you are getting in exchange for your co-pay, but I can assure you I have yet to leave the pediatrician and experience the “unfolding” of my child’s soul. That is not to say that we should ask hyperactive children to ingest large amounts of pharmaceuticals without cause, but how exactly does one quantify “greater expression of human potential?” Could I sue for malpractice if my child gets an adjustment and their grades plummet?

Aging - Chiropractic care frees the body from a serious form of health-damaging stress called the vertebral subluxation complex that causes premature aging by destroying vitality and weakening our natural healing ability.

Just once I would like to see an episode of Law & Order where the medical examiner lists the cause of death as “vertebral subluxation” so I could hear one of the investigators toss off a one-liner like “and I thought my back was killing me!” Does this mean the Benjamin Button’s spine was overly aligned? 

Ear Infections - Children with ear infections need chiropractic adjustments. In many cases ear infections are observed to disappear after chiropractic care, saving children from ear-tube surgery and antibiotics.

I’m afraid I will need to some peer-reviewed medical research on this one. What does “observed to disappear” even mean? What is the time period we are talking about? I could easily correlate two unrelated events given an ambiguous amount of time like if I said or “his childhood stutter has not been observed since he graduated college “or ”I haven’t contracted malaria since I pooped at an Exxon.”

PMS and Menopause - Doctors of chiropractic help see that the sexual organ/spinal column relationship is a healthy one. Chiropractors correct the vertebral subluxation complex (a dangerous condition in your spine that interferes with the nervous system and causes a state of “dis-ease” or reduced health and wholeness) that can lead to disease.

While I have no issue with my wife seeing a chiropractor, I am not sure how I feel about another man asking her if he can check the health of her “sexual organ/spinal column relationship” in exchange for money. That situation could place me in a state of “dis-ease” and it sounds more like a pick-up line than the clinical language of a diagnostician.

Cold and Flu - Keeping your body free from vertebral subluxation keeps your natural immunity high and could make the difference between a quick recovery and lingering illness. A spinal exam can change your life.

Here they have clearly gone to simply listing a viral infection and making vague references to “vertebral subluxation” and lingering illness. The website lists 27 separate maladies that can be “helped” by chiropractic care but after really looking into this I am afraid they have sold themselves short.

Here are some suggestions to add to the website which are ambiguous enough to infer treatment while avoiding litigation.

Ebola – Preventing vertebral subluxation fortifies the body’s natural immunity while helping mitigate the discomfort of hemorrhagic fever. 

Racism – It has been suggested that proper spinal alignment correlates to an increased acceptance of ethnic and cultural diversity.

Marital Infidelity - When we allow our biomechanical spinal segments to stray we often find that our hearts do the same.  

Bankruptcy – Many report that an increase in chiropractic adjustments correlated to an eventual decrease in phone calls from collection agencies.  

Unemployment – Study after study confirms that the gainfully employed are six-times more likely to be under the care of a chiropractor than their unemployed or homeless counterparts. Coincidence? We think not.