Kid's Shows

Over the past year, I have become acquainted with a number of children’s television shows. After repeated viewings, my mind wanders and I find myself wondering how the series finales would look if HBO purchased the rights to the final season and was given creative control. These, of course, are not realistic since none of my portrayals feature gratuitous female nudity.

Doc McStuffins – Unbeknownst to the main protagonist, Stuffy the Dragon was collared for utilizing mom McStuffins’ prescription pad to write illegal scripts for narcotics. In exchange for leniency, Stuffy agreed to turn state’s evidence and cooperate with an ongoing criminal investigation against Doc McStuffins for practicing medicine without a license.

With the support of Lambie, McStuffins vows to fight the charges. However, she eventually pleas down and finds herself in a state correctional facility where she is forced into an altercation with a fellow inmate. Viciously defending herself with a shiv fashioned from the tightly wound cover of her “Big Book of Boo Boos” she earns the nickname “McStabbins.”

Dinosaur Train - Having spent years gaining the trust of their dinosaur passengers, the Troodons (who run the prehistoric rail system) offer a complimentary day trip to the Big Pond as a thank you to their customers. Once aboard the train, Mr. Conductor orchestrates the other Troodons in a savage attack against The Pteranodon Family leaving Buddy as the only survivor.

Dr. Scott the paleontologist closes the final show by telling the assembled children that while the idea of carnivorous animals successfully running a mass transit system is entertaining; the truth is that the Mesozoic era was a time of darkness and barbarism. The camera pans wide to reveal that Dr. Scott is a resident at a state mental institution and just as the shot fades we see two orderlies enter and reprimand him for drawing dinosaurs on the wall again.

Mickey Mouse Clubhouse – In this series finale, Mickey gathers the gang inside the clubhouse before having the unnecessary mechanical hand lock the door behind them. His voice drops several octaves as he informs the faithful that their unit has been activated. Mickey reveals that the Mousekadoer mainframe has taken control of the United States power-grid and at 1400 hours they will commence Operation Iron Tail.

The group looks on as Mickey slowly begins circling his cohorts and reveals that someone in their midst has betrayed the motherland and will pay dearly for their transgressions. Each character watches apprehensively until Mickey finally makes eye contact with Daisy and solemnly shakes his head. In short order, Toodles is summoned and presents Daisy with the method of her execution: a rope, a pistol, or a cyanide capsule. In a show of unexpected defiance, she meets Mickey’s gaze and demands the “mystery Mousekatool!” A collective gasp is heard as the question mark gives way to reveal a wood-chipper.

Jake and the Never Land Pirates – Cubby and Izzie (after conferring with Never Bird) become convinced that Jake lacks the fortitude to finish off Captain Hook once and for all. Together they stage a mutiny and utilize the gold doubloons in the Team Treasure Chest to hire Marina the Mermaid to drown Captain Hook and Mr. Smee.

She agrees to meet Cubby and Izzie for the exchange, but instead takes the money and lures them to the doldrums to die. Seething from the double-cross and delirious from scurvy, Cubby and Izzie seek Jake’s counsel and agree to free him. Never Bird then gives the signal to Stormy, who is carrying Jake’s baby, and she drowns Cubby and Izzie before pledging her eternal devotion to Jake.

Unbeknownst to Stormy, Jake has been seeing Marina behind her back and has orchestrated the entire series of events (with the assistance of Never Bird) to free himself of his two crewmates and keep all of the gold doubloons for himself while casting doubt on Stormy’s claims of his paternity. Thanks to the testimony of Marina, Never Bird, and Jake (along with Hook’s influence with the maritime criminal justice system) Stormy is convicted and locked away.