God & NASCAR

Almost all of us have experienced marital discord at one point or another, and it is not unusual for couples to seek solace in the church. So it was no surprise that 23 year-old Church Hill, TN resident Stephanie Faye Hamman found herself at the altar of nearby Providence Church a few Sundays ago discussing her husband with the Lord. What was unusual was that it was 10:00 PM; she had driven her car through the front entrance, and had consumed an alarming amount of kush over the past two days.

While lying on the altar, she placed a call to her husband Steve explaining her current predicament and requesting that he immediately rush to her aid. As Steven approached his wife, she announced that “the devil is in me” and proceeded to stab him in the chest with a large kitchen knife. Steve fled the scene and alerted authorities from their apartment across the street. He was treated for his injuries and later released.

Stephanie Faye

Mrs. Hamman was located 30 minutes later in a nearby emergency room where, according to local police:

She stated God had told her that smoking marijuana all day and all night was not good for her, and that she only needed to smoke it at night to help her relax. Mrs. Hamman further stated that she felt her husband Steven was worshiping the NASCAR race at Bristol (Tenn.), which made her mad, and she began having thoughts that the devil put in her head.

Mrs. Hamman was charged with felony vandalism and attempted first degree murder but believes that all this had to come to pass so that “God would help me live right.”

I am by no means a marital counselor, but best practices would dictate a serious conversation about recreational pursuits before either party escalating to shedding blood at a communion rail. I realize I am speaking for Steve here, but perhaps he would have appreciated a heartfelt “I am concerned that your passion for NASCAR is detracting from your spiritual walk” discussion in lieu of a “the dark master requires the blood of an apostate” show and tell.

On the other hand, it is entirely possible that Stephanie Faye had attempted to broach the subject numerous times but found her spouse unreceptive. Perhaps she felt her only course of action was to spark a brick, grab a Ginsu and have her Toyota Celica respond to an altar call. In any case, her feelings about motorsports have been made abundantly clear.

I was also interested in how specific The Almighty was concerning her daily marijuana intake. Undoubtedly the Lord can speak to any of us, but this is the first time I can recall him utilizing divine revelation to prescribe weed for nocturnal stress. Mrs. Hamman further claims she selected this specific church because she had recently been baptized there, but the church indicated that she was mistaken and must have received the sacrament elsewhere. While Stephanie Faye could be confused, I fully understand if the church wasn’t chomping at the bit to place her in the win column.

I do wish I could be a fly on the wall when they have to call in the claim on her car to the insurance company:

State Farm, How Can I Help You? 

Yes, I need to file a claim on my wife’s Celica.

Absolutely Mr. Hamman! Was she involved in an accident? 

In a sense….

Oh my goodness! Is she alright?

Let’s circle back around to that one…..

OK. Was anyone else hurt? 

I sustained a puncture wound to the chest and may have to reactive my e-Harmony account after the criminal trial…..

Alright…. Did the incident damage any other structures? 

As best I can tell we might be looking at a portico remodel, replacing a stained-glass rendering of Jesus cradling a lamb, and a half-dozen Presbyterian hymnals. Are you guys the ones that do accident forgiveness?