White Christmas

As most of you are aware, Fox News host Megyn Kelly recently assured America’s children that both Jesus Christ and Santa Clause are white males. When these comments drew criticism, Kelly responded by clarifying her remarks as “tongue-in-cheek” humor and explained the controversy as “the knee-jerk instinct by so many to race-bait and to assume the worst of people, especially the people employed by the very powerful Fox News Channel." For good measure, she also acknowledged that there is a possibility that Jesus was not actually white. It is unclear whether the release of a long-form birth certificate would settle the issue.

I have seen the clip several times and I suppose it is a matter of interpretation whether or not Megyn is really good at asinine reporting or really bad at portraying sarcasm. It was also unclear how a nefarious outside party “race-baited” Mrs. Kelly and her producers into broaching Santa’s ethnicity as a topic of conversation. The most offensive aspect of the entire piece is that a news network felt it necessary to address the skin color of an allegorical figure at all.

As far as Jesus is concerned, the only thing we can be certain of is that he had great abs. I have yet to see a painting or crucifix where he had double-digit body fat. Whether this was a byproduct of his divinity or the result of a low-carb diet remains to be seen. In Mrs. Kelly’s defense, artistic renderings have such a powerful effect on our subconscious that it is easy to understand why she thought Jesus and Santa must have been honkeys. If I was honest with myself, most of my ideas about Santa’s appearance originated from Coca-Cola packaging.

Either way the controversy got me thinking about the characteristics of other mythical entities:

The Tooth Fairy – While there is not enough empirical evidence to make an ethnic determination, I am fairly confident that we are looking at a female. Let’s face it, the idea of some dude in tights sneaking into the bedroom of a minor while holding a wad of cash is somewhat disconcerting.

The Easter Bunny – Personally, I find the Eastern bunny the most horrifying of the three primary home-invasion entities. While Santa and the Tooth Fairy leave gifts and money, the Easter bunny hides graffitied chicken embryos in your home and then challenges you to locate them. Also, I have never heard a satisfactory explanation as to how a quadruped without opposable thumbs can weave a basket.   

The Sandman – The idea behind this nocturnal visitor is that he places sand into the eyes of children to provide them with a deep slumber. This supposedly explains morning eye-goop as the remnants of the Sandman’s visit. Given the name, I suppose one could safely rule out a woman unless we changed it to “Sandperson” which sounds dangerously close to a racial slur. To be honest, I never understood how tales of a magical creature throwing known corneal irritants into the ocular cavities of defenseless children was supposed to help me sleep anyway.