Royal Procreation

There are many things that I do not understand, but one of the biggest is the fascination with the Royal Baby. Last week I came home to find my wife riveted by what appeared to be footage of a closed door. Against this backdrop news anchors on every network were breathlessly reporting that “at any moment now, we will see the royal baby emerge!” In addition to the anchors, each station seemed to have their own royal expert (whom I suspect was anyone with an English accent and a flexible schedule) explaining the significance of said doors. Speculation was rampant. Will they speak to the press? Have they decided on a name? If the child’s eyes are green what does that mean for the 2014 hurricane season?

If hospital employees dared emerged from the doors they were met with disappointment and in a few cases even booed. Who boos an employee getting a sandwich? Calm down people, they aren’t crossing a picket line outside the steel plant. I secretly hoped William had substituted a Cabbage Patch doll for his son and would toss it toward the media to see if their first instinct would be to catch the child or to take a picture of it landing on the sidewalk.

Finally the royal couple emerged and, for whatever reason, decided to attempt a newborn hand-off maneuver in front of the press corp. That little exchange was one of the most terrifying moments I experienced as a new father. It was bad enough with the nurses watching, I would hate to think of the pressure knowing that a CNN anchor is touching her earpiece while saying, “We are now being joined by Dr. Phil Craddleston who chairs the Infant Transferology Department at BYU. Dr. Craddleston, what can you tell us about the history of Anglo-Saxon offspring transference?” 

After several minutes they went back inside and re-emerged with a car seat so that the prince could be loaded into the royal Range Rover. The station my wife was watching happened to juxtapose this image against archival footage of Princess Diana’s emergence from those same doors thirty-one years prior holding William. Diana, unfettered by modern child-safety laws, simply hopped in the backseat holding the child and they drove away. It is interesting to observe that to our modern way of thinking they might as well have ratchet-strapped the kid to the bumper as little as they were concerned for his personal safety.

After they left, I naturally assumed that the news stations would return to updating their viewers on the volatile situation in Egypt. Unfortunately, they decided we would best be served by being subjected to the now-looped footage of the emergence while they analyzed each and every movement in excruciating detail. They spent fifteen minutes dissecting what William taking possession of the child before descending the stairs meant for his parenting style. Really? Isn’t there a slim possibility that his wife, having just spent hours in labor, felt a little unsteady carrying a child down a flight of concrete stairs in front the world press?

This is where I would normally insert some haughty declaration about the 24-hour news cycle diluting and distracting the populace away from the issues that truly having a lasting effect on humanity, but the last time I checked I have written more articles about Courtney Stodden than I have about Egyptian unrest so I will leave such an observation to those with actual credibility.