My First World Problems

• There are evenings when I become distraught attempting to decide which restaurant to eat at.  I cannot describe the anguish of craving a Chili’s appetizer, Outback entrée’, and Olive Garden dessert. I know in my heart that no matter what I decide I will always be haunted by what could have been.

• For whatever reason, there are three albums that refuse to transfer their cover art to my iPhone. Despite multiple attempts at alleviating the issue, I am still forced to stare at a generic visual placeholder each and every time I want to hear “Back in Black.” I can hardly even bring myself to listen to the song anymore.

• A cell-phone upgrade credit is the source of unspeakable torment because regardless of when I choose to utilize it a better phone will be announced within the month. Sure, it seems like a good idea to get the iPhone 5, but what if there is some validity to the reports of a new iPhone? What if I pull the trigger and two days later Apple announces the iPhone 6Q with a cerebrally-activated Craigslist app and iSqualor?

• I recently purchased Triple Shine Armor All to apply to the dashboard of my car but was chagrined to discover it was too reflective. Imagine my dismay when I discovered the Armor All company doesn’t produce a Double-Shine variety leaving me with Original as my only alternative. What company is reckless enough to triple the dose of its reflective polymers without attempting to see what would happen if they simply doubled them?

• I am conflicted as to whether or not I should trust the “Most Helpful Critical Review” on Amazon.com if it is not classified as an “Amazon Verified Purchase.” Sure, it seems unlikely that someone would randomly pen an in-depth review of a wireless router they have never used, but at the same time what if I am basing my purchasing decision on the seditious output of some technological anarchist. Even more unsettling, what if this sadistic degenerate did purchase the router just to cover his tracks but purposefully avoided familiarizing himself with the interface in order to preserve the inaccuracy of the review while giving the impression of integrity.

• My TV has a limited number of HDMI inputs which means I am forced to connect certain devices at an inferior resolution. How am I supposed to sleep at night knowing that I pay for HD cable but my pristine picture is being tainted by the clearly inferior component video cables I use as a stopgap? At the same time, I cannot justify connecting a Blu-Ray player at anything less than 1080p and it would be downright negligent to connect an Xbox 360 with an RCA tether.

• Why in heaven’s name would Netflix allow someone add disc 2 of a season to their que before disc 1? Shouldn’t there at least be a warning that reminds the customers that their indicated preference will wreak havoc on the show’s continuity? And while I am at it, how is it possible to develop a smartphone app capable of accessing thousands of movies from anywhere in the world but still cannot allow me to alter my DVD que? Do you know how inconvenient it is to find a computer each and every time I change my mind about my entertainment preferences? 

• My Dilbert M&M’s dispenser features a non-standard capacity. This means that one small bag of M&M’s is inadequate to completely refill it but two small bags leave me with an unnecessary surplus. I tried purchasing the medium bag in the hope that it would eliminate this discrepancy but it also leaves me with a surplus as it slightly exceeds the volume of the two small bags. Either way I am forced to eat the excess or affix a rubber band to the partially depleted bag.