The Birthplan

A universal piece of advice given to all first-time parents is to create a written birth-plan. Ideally, this will succinctly outline your expectations and preferences concerning labor and delivery while serving as a reference point for hospital staff. After consulting with my wife I have created the following:  

• There should be no one else allowed in the room outside of myself, my wife, and essential medical personnel. The presence of nursing students or other academic observers will only be acceptable if we are offered a substantial discount on our forthcoming medical bills.

• We would like the ability to provide our own music. Furthermore, any employees with ringtones featuring Nickelback, The Black-Eyed Peas, or Justin Bieber must place their device on vibrate before entering the room as work by these artists may distress both the fetus and its biological father.

• We wish to breastfeed exclusively, both for its proven developmental advantages and the fact that the street value of formula has surpassed that of uncut heroin. Please do not offer our child sugar water, formula, pacifiers, cigarettes, Quaaludes, Jägermeister, or Nachos Bell Grande.

• If a C-Section is deemed necessary I wish to my partner to be present as much as possible despite his penchant for ill-timed jokes.

• My wife would like to hold the child as soon as possible by postponing any non-essential procedures and we also wish to cut the umbilical cord. We plan to donate the cord blood to a public bank unless a situation arises whereby it can be exchanged for an Amazon.com gift card.

• If available, we request access to a birthing ball, labor lunger, delivery dumbells, uterine umbrella or any other accessories that may naturally facilitate and expedite the process.   

• My wife will require pharmaceutical pain management early and often. While we both admire mothers who valiantly endure the pain of labor by biting on a wooden spoon and mentally reciting the Lord’s Prayer, I do not wish for my child’s newly-formed ears to be assailed by various incarnations of the F-word.

• We will not require any mirrors or reflective surfaces of any kind. My wife has no desire to see her own distended and traumatized nether-regions during birth.

• We will not be recording the birth as we are unable to fathom a scenario that necessitates us reliving the experience in real-time. Also, please do not send in a hospital-sanctioned photographer as this is a medical facility and not a cruise ship.

• While Methodist, we wish to have a Catholic priest on standby in case of an Rosemary’s Baby / Omen situation since the UMC has no formal protocol for exorcisms.

• In the event that our offspring is singularly unattractive, we request that hospital staff refrain from comment or at least have the decency to lie to our faces until such time they might privately discuss our newborn’s esthetic shortcomings.