The Bieber Threat

In a world fraught with senseless violence and a callous disregard for the suffering of our fellow man, I was reassured by a glimmer of hope when I read about the foiling of a murder plot against Justin Bieber. According to published reports the homicide was masterminded from behind bars by Dana Martin, who is currently serving a life sentence for the rape and murder of a 15 year old girl in Vermont and has a tattoo of Justin Bieber on his leg. Once his plan had taken shape, Dana recruited former prison alumnus Mark Staake who in turn recruited his nephew Tanner Ruane.

The plot was for Mark and Tanner to gain access to Bieber at his Madison Square Garden concert, strangle the singer and his bodyguard with a “paisley neck-tie,” and then castrate both of them with a set of pruning shears. After experiencing an apparent change of heart, Dana turned in his accomplices to the authorities who managed to apprehend both of them before they made an attempt on Bieber’s life (or man-bits).

Bieber & Canada's Prime Minister

While I am sure Mark and Tanner feel blindsided by the betrayal of their ringleader there were a few subtle clues that he might not be a picture of mental stability, not the least of which is the fact that he is serving a life sentence for the rape and murder of an underage girl. Maybe it’s how I was raised, but when a person asks you to neutralize someone they have tattooed on their leg it is always best to walk away. How did Dana bring this up? Did Mark come during visiting hours to shoot the breeze?

“Hey man, how’s the outside?”

“Good brother, how are you holdin’ up?”

“Pretty good I guess. Listen Mark, I was wondering if you would be willing to utilize your newfound freedom to facilitate the murder and castration of a Canadian pop-star for no reason other than my own cyclical feelings of repulsion / adoration.”

“Go on…….”

It appears that the use of the necktie was as symbolic as it was fashionable. Apparently Mr. Martin had used it in the commission of previous crimes and wished to continue his legacy. Some would argue that there is only one other way this story could have ended and the headline would have read: Two creepy grown men beaten unconscious while attempting to present Justin Bieber with a retro tie. The only conversation more perplexing that the initial Dana / Mark conversation it would have to be when Mark recruited his nephew and convinced him to participate:

“Hey Tanner! It’s your Uncle Mark!”

“Hey Uncle, what’s going on?”

“I was wondering if you mind helping me out with a project for a buddy of mine. He would do it himself but he is currently serving time for a violent felony perpetrated against a minor and a caveat of his mental state involves an unhealthy fascination with Justin Bieber whom he wishes us to assault, murder, and castrate armed with nothing more than a garden tool and a used necktie.”

“Go on……”

I was also unable to understand why the bodyguard had to be castrated too. I can only assume that the point of the castration was to degrade and humiliate the guard. This goal would have been easily accomplished by managing to isolate and strangle his employer with an article of clothing at Madison Square Garden. The disfiguring of his corpse would just seem superfluous at that point. 

All joking aside, this is the second credible threat against Mr. Bieber’s life in as many years, and in the interest of his own safety I feel the most prudent course of action would be a comprehensive retreat from public life. I realize such a drastic step would make it impossible to release music, conduct interviews, or star in self-promotional compilations disguised as “motion picture events,” but nothing is worth the compromise of his personal safety. Don’t be a hero Justin, you have already provided the world with more than enough material and the time has come for you to take a knee and let your admirers rest easy in the knowledge that their beloved Canadian icon did not allow himself to be transformed into a meticulously-coiffed martyr.