It seems that every day we are pummeled with products and
services claiming to reverse or hide the signs of aging. Wrinkles disappear,
turkey-neck is gobbled up, and suddenly your son’s friends are making
thinly-veiled references to The Graduate. Most of these are topical solutions
contain fabricated ingredients like “elastisis technology” or “rejuvenox
extract.”
Others may wish to bypass such over-the-counter remedies and
go straight for Botox injections. While this treatment can certainly provide
subtle improvements over an extended period of time, impatience invariably
gives way to overuse and pretty soon you are unable to convey basic human
emotions. So where does that leave someone who wishes to avoid both expensive
daily creams and costly injections?
Fortunately there is a new youth restoration technique
sweeping the country: face slapping. Based on an ancient Taiwanese tradition,
customers pay to have an experienced practitioner wallop away their crow’s feet
and frown lines. Currently, the only certified face-slapper in the continental
United States is a woman named “Rassameesaitarn New Series World” who San
Francisco-based Tata Massage parlor is generating quite a buzz.
According to her website, first time customers must pay a (cash-only)
$5 “face-slapping consultation fee” and an additional $350 if they wish to
undergo a session. For those whose epidermis requires more intensive healing,
there is a $1,000 full-course offered in three distinct styles:
· Face Slapping to Look Like a Celebrity· Face Flapping to Look Younger· Face Slapping to Charm Your Significant Other
While I applaud non-chemical holistic treatments for aging, I
believe I am going to have to see some science behind this. If getting
repeatedly slapped by a woman is the anecdote for aging then I am pretty sure
Benny Hill would still be alive and Charlie Sheen would be carded when buying
cigarettes. I have to wonder about the screening process behind the $5
consultation fee. Are there certain people too wrinkled to slap? Does she turn
a certain number of her rings around based on case severity? The only thing
more depressing than realizing you just paid a woman named after a future
Flaming Lips album $350 to slap you is realizing that you just gave her $5 to
tell you that no one hits hard enough to fix your problem.
I imagine Mrs. Rassa is also going to have to clear up a few
misunderstandings in her first year of business. After all, one cannot open a
cash-only parlor promising “tata massage” in San Francisco without generating a
certain amount of confusion.
Her webpage features subject-verb confusion set against a
fluorescent green backdrop and a photo of the proprietor holding a framed
certificate that we are to infer was bestowed upon her by the official
governing body of face slappery.
I also have several questions about the “full-course”
package. Does the customer get to pick the celebrity or are they chosen at
random, because there is a big difference between the George Clooney and the
Larry Bird. Also, is there not a way to incorporate all three? If I am going to
pay someone $1,000 to give me five-across-the-eyes, I want to walk away looking
like a young celebrity that would impress my wife. The last thing that my
spouse wants walking through the door is a Lyle Lovett doppelganger that
recently drained their joint checking account.
The one product she needs to provide is gift certificates.
She could even have a “revenge enhancement” if you wish to give the certificate
to someone you loathe. Maybe for an extra C-note she will give them a
Goodfellas style once-over under the guise of “wrinkle reduction.” Just imagine
how fun it would be to send that goober from marketing down to the Mrs. Rassa
knowing you slipped her a little something extra to “put some real stank on it.”
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