Octomom

When Nadya Suleman gave birth to octuplets in 2009 she captured the world’s attention. Only the second woman to give birth to octuplets in the US (and the first where all 8 survived longer than a week) it seemed to be a miracle. Of course, this elation lasted only briefly once the press realized she was already a mother of six who had been artificially inseminated by a now disbarred physician while receiving public assistance.

Apparently, Miss Suleman had been injured during a 1999 riot while working as a psychiatric technician at Metropolitan State Hospital in Norwalk, California. She received $168,000 between 2000 and 2008 and has reportedly been on and off welfare since then. Determined to support herself, Nadya has attempted a number of careers including:

• Traveling Stripper
• Professional Oprah Winfrey Guest
• Starring in Adult Films With Unnervingly-Specific Themes
• Posing Topless for British Magazines With Low Circulation Numbers
• Online Panhandling

Her latest foray is dating for money through What’sYourPrice.com, a website whose commitment to meaningful emotional bonding is surpassed only by its design aesthetics. For $500 you can take “Octomom” on romantic evening and learn all about woman attached to the uterus has captured the attention of a nation. Many have criticized her asking price as being too high, but to be fair finding a babysitter for 14 children probably eats into her profit margin (plus if she were to drop them off at a friend’s house it would have to be temporarily rezoned as a childcare facility).

Despite myself I feel sorry for this woman, because other than repopulation she does not seem to have any clear goals in mind. She knew she wanted her own offspring militia; she just had not worked out the semantics of feeding them all.

Much has been made of her disability claim, but without knowing more details it is hard to make that call. I imagine that it is entirely possible to sustain a debilitating injury during a violent riot at a mental hospital, but it is curious that after 8 years it had healed enough to allow her to pole dance for singles. The welfare money is more troubling since she is receiving government assistance for children she paid handsomely to bear. In some ways this would be akin to purchasing a Ferrari and then panhandling for the gas.  

On the bright side, she has an upcoming dance single that was co-written with Adam Barta called “Sexy Party”. The idea is to jumpstart her music career thereby restoring her self-sufficiency. Although the lyrics have not yet been released, I have taken the liberty to speculate:

Adam's Verse

Baby, I can already tell

That you’ve got what I need

Obvious financial desperation

And 14 mouths to feed

How ‘bout we take this back to my place

And see just what happens

Cause in just 9 more months

 I’ll be timing your contractions

Baby don’t get so depressed

When they hatin’ on your fertility

I just want to make your dependents

Divisible by three

Octomom’s Verse

Boy, I recognize that look in your eyes

And what you want to do

I ain’t been this close to a man

Since I last held a test-tube.

I hope you got a steady job

And your coverage is paid in full

Cause tonight I’m lookin’ to satisfy

More than my deducible

Maybe you can walk me back

To my Ford Econoline Van

You’d look real fine in the captain’s chair

You and me holdin’ hands

Chorus

Girl you got it going on

You steady on my mind

Put them 14 kids to bed

Cause it’s sexy party time!

Pass me some more of that Pedialite

And leave your cares behind

Nobody judges a single mom

When it’s sexy party time!