The Zombie Apocolypse

Much has been made recently of a series of horrific incidents in Florida, Maryland, and New Jersey. Many believe them to be a harbinger of the coming zombie apocalypse due to the bizarre mixture of cannibalism, gore, and a stunning disregard for self-preservation.

The first, and perhaps most infamous, of the zombie trifecta involves 31-year old Miami-resident and highway nudism-enthusiast Rudy Eugene who was shot and killed after eating the face of a local homeless man. Police were forced to kill Mr. Eugene after he refused to stop eating the stranger’s face and the first four bullets were unable to persuade him otherwise. Early reports attribute the behavior to bath salts.

The second incident involved Alex Kinyua of Maryland who murdered his male roommate with a knife and proceeded to eat part of his brain after posting references to “mass human sacrifice” on his Facebook page. Both killer and victim had attended Morgan State University and Mr. Kinyua is presently being held without bond while he awaits trial.

The third incident involved Hackensack, NJ resident Wayne Carter who barricaded himself in a bedroom and began stabbing himself with a 12-inch kitchen knife. When officers attempted to disarm him he began throwing pieces of his skin and intestines at them. Finding two full cans of pepper spray to have no effect, a SWAT team was called take him into custody. He is currently in a mental institution.

While each and every one of these occurrences qualify as an abhorrent act of brutal violence, I am not certain the juxtaposition of three unrelated incidents qualifies as an impending zombie apocalypse.

I briefly remember an angle of the face-eating story where a pedestrian was criticized for riding by the attack without offering assistance. While some in the media dubbed this an act of cowardice, I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. It is entirely possible that the scene of a naked man dining on the face of another human being on the side of the freeway might take some time to register. Either that or the neighborhood was so rough that the passerby felt relieved that it was just one guy eating someone’s face.

I would also to be curious to see if anyone “liked” Alex’s status update of “mass human sacrifice,” because everyone has someone on their friend list that will like anything they post without really reading it. Did his acquaintances chime in with forced optimism like “Hang in there Alex :-)” or “I had a rough Monday too!”

The New Jersey incident is obviously a mental health issue and not a zombie attack. If the worst we are to expect from the zombie apocalypse is dodging an internal organ or two I believe that humanity might survive. This is an aspect of zombie attack they never portray in horror films; a band of survivors hunkered down in a Quizno’s while the lookout yells, “Here comes a kidney, and look alive down there cause’ he’s got another one!!!”

Despite this, there are brave entrepreneurs willing to cater to those whose fear of the undead supersedes their fear of financial ruin. One such organization is zombiesurvivalcourse.com, a New Jersey-based group that offers training packages to those interested in post-apocalyptic longevity. For a little less than $500 a person, you can spend a weekend learning basic skills such as:

• Proper crossbow usage
• Hotwiring a vehicle
• Melee weapons classes
• Suture techniques
• Zombitsu™ (Zombie jujitsu)

The website offers corporate team-building exercises, private sessions, and even bachelorette parties as well as discounts for large groups. Meals and sleeping accommodations are provided.

While I applaud the creativity of the group, I am somewhat skeptical of Zombitsu™. What changes would need to be made to existing self-defense techniques to make them effective against slower-moving opponents than they were originally designed for? Would Bruce Lee have been overwhelmed by a zombie’s glacial reaction time or diminished mental capacity?

Also, I completely understand firearms training and the grand-theft auto dissertation but a crossbow? Aren’t we trading functionality for whimsy?  Off all possible weapons, what are the odds that you will find yourself in possession of a functional crossbow during the apocalypse? If I am not mistaken the crossbow’s current claim to fame is extracting biopsies from large ocean mammals.

I do wonder how many bachelorette parties these people book every year. If your future wife sees a $500 Zombitsu™ training camp as a sound investment you are going to face some tough financial hurdles in your marriage. Plus, it is somewhat disconcerting that your fiancée feels the need to make sure she is efficient at taking human life just before your nuptials.