As Seen on TV ! (Part 2)

A few days ago, I saw a commercial for a fleece adult onesie named the “Forever Lazy.” From what I can tell, it is designed to appeal to those who had previously purchased a Snuggie but have now slipped so far into depression that they are no longer willing to maintain the illusion of gainful employment. The item is available in three distinct colors: Workday Blues, Asleep on the Job Gray, and Hanky Pinky Fuschia. 

As if the insulting nomenclature was not blatant enough, each Forever Lazy is equipped with a “rear flap” allowing the wearer to evacuate his or her bowels without removing themselves from the warmth of their under-achieving cocoon. During the current promotional period you get two Forever Lazys and the company will throw in matching “booties” for just under $40.

The commercial features a group of men tailgating outside what appears to be a college football game while proudly donning their fleece body sacks. While I am not a sports fanatic, I am fairly certain that nothing will get you beaten and robbed in an athletics facility parking lot faster than wearing a garment that features a “deuce door.”

If our society continues to digress, the next model will feature a built-in catheter and come with a form letter for soliciting money from family members. I am not opposed to personal warmth, but when your plummeting core temperature requires a garment that makes Hugh Hefner look dignified it might be time to consult a physician.

The Fat Magnet

The next item is called “The Fat Magnet” and instantly removes “fat, cholesterol, and calories” from your food. You simply place the magnet in the freezer for at least four hours and then run the “business end” of the magnet over your favorite meals to vanquish unwanted calories from your diet. All of this can be yours for just under $20.

It would appear that the “As Seen On TV” people hold wildly varying views concerning their demographic. On the one hand we have the Forever Lazy, an item whose popularity depends on a complete lack of motivation to even dress oneself, and on the other hand we have an appliance that requires a four-hour prep time in order to properly function. Furthermore, this sub-zero operating temperature practically guarantees it would only be useful on home-cooked meals prepared from scratch, something a grown man with a penchant for insulating body stockings would know little about.

I suppose the Fat Magnet could be pre-frozen, placed into a cooler, and then carried into a restaurant so that it could be removed once the entrée is delivered to the table. Of course, other patrons might find it disconcerting when you produce a lawn-dart from a Styrofoam cooler and wave it over your chopped steak.

FIR-Real Portable Sauna        

As the illustration suggests, those seeking relaxation are encouraged to place themselves inside the “therapeutic infrared body tent” to stimulate their metabolism. The $400 portable sauna even comes with a deluxe folding chair rated at 330lbs so that the entire apparatus can be taken with you to all the social events you will never be invited to. The ad guarantees that the sauna material is impervious to “sweat, odors, or bacteria” and is “easy to clean.”

If, in fact, the steam tent is completely resistant to all microscopic organisms, perspiration, and aromas, why would you ever need to clean it at all? It is also unsettling that the advertisement felt the need to highlight the folding chair’s expanded weight limit. Let’s be clear: if you are heavy enough to challenge the structural integrity of a traditional folding chair, I am not sure ten minutes with a space heater is going to dramatically affect your metabolism one way or the other.

Does it concern anyone else that once the woman in the illustration is properly strapped into her reinforced folding chair she is unable to reach the temperature controls? Shouldn’t those be inside the tent? After all, what could possibly go wrong once you are immobilized inside a chemically-treated fabric shell inundated with electrical wiring and heating coils?

MD Bracelet

The final offering is a stylish bracelet that transforms into a PC-only USB flash drive to carry all of your pertinent health data. Simply enter all your medical records and personal information in the MD bracelet so that paramedics can utilize it to properly treat you in the event you are unconscious. This modern marvel is available in gold or silver and can even hold a pre-signed power of attorney.

Inevitable HIPPA violations and identity theft aside, I cannot see a single flaw in this idea. Who wouldn’t want to consolidate all their sensitive private data into a single piece of poorly-constructed arm jewelry? I also admire the manufacturer’s courage in refusing to support Apple products despite their widespread use in the healthcare field. So what if the first paramedic on the scene wasn’t able to read your bracelet on his iPad2, you will make a statement by dying needlessly in the name of software compatibility.

While each of these products will undoubtedly lead you to a happier, healthier existence, their combination could very well be life changing. Let me lay out a scenario:

One day, while waiting on your Fat Magnet to freeze, you decide to ease the stress of perpetual unemployment by slipping into your personal sauna. Having set the desired temperature, you ease your posterior into the industrial-rated folding chair and let your cares melt away. After several minutes, you begin to realize that in setting the temperature you failed to account for the added warmth of your Forever Lazy onesie. Unfortunately, the poorly engineered controls are outside of your limited reach and you are unable to turn off the 1600-watt furnace that is now broiling your internal organs. By the time your hipster roommate finds you and spends the next half-hour trying to get his MacBook Pro to recognize your bracelet, it is already too late to save you.