Courtney

There was nothing unusual about young Courtney’s aspirations. After all, many a 16 year-old girl dreams of embodying the Hollywood trinity of singer/model/actress, but unlike her peers she was unwilling to place her ambitions in the hands of fate. Guided by her mother/manager, she decided to focus on her musical talents by recording a few demos and singing on with the production company Dark Water Inc.

Soon, young Courtney was introduced to Dark Water’s enigmatic president Doug Hutchison, who is best known for roles in The Green Mile and Lost. Fifty-one year old Doug became smitten with his underage client and in May of this year, after a legal release by Courtney’s parents, the two were married in an intimate Las Vegas ceremony.

Since exchanging nuptials with Doug, Courtney has worked tirelessly to forge a career based on integrity and understated sexuality. Embracing the Internet as only a middle-class teenage girl can, she created a Twitter account and erotically confronted today’s most pivotal issues:

Dentistry

Senseless Alliteration

Chores

 

Spirituality

Urinary Incontinence?

She has also filmed several music videos for the songs she writes and produces. The best of which is for her club-banger “Don’t Put It On Me,” a tune addressing women who are unable to control their man’s attraction to her. The video, which appears to have been shot aboard a pontoon boat set adrift in a retention pond, showcases Courntey's talents. I rarely find it necessary to embed a video but I discovered my words were powerless to adequately describe this nautical gem. Behold!

Like all budding starlets, she has her detractors. Facebook has removed her account on multiple occasions for violating their policy against posting sexually explicit photos and just recently she was asked to leave a family pumpkin patch after several complaints that her attire was inappropriate. Her mother publicly defends her attire citing jealous women as the source of the complaints and noting that the men aren’t complaining. As for her daughter’s social networking woes she says simply, “She's just too sexy for Facebook!"

Others, questioning the wisdom of seeking stardom at such an impressionable age, have expressed concern about her lack of education. When asked about these concerns, Courtney responded that if she ever sought higher education she would only attend classes about her husband’s body. She referred this dream college as the “University of Doug.” 

In order to make interviews as cringe-worthy as possible, Courtney’s mother also insists on addressing both her daughter’s breasts and her Christian faith (your move Joe Simpson) in order to dispel plastic surgery rumors and cast her in a more favorable light. Both Courtney’s parents (who are younger than her husband) are thrilled that Doug is in their daughter’s life and the pair is currently in talks with MTV to film a reality show.

Momma Stodden, Courtney, and Doug

While many would view poor Courtney as an oversexed, exploited teenager being rented out the highest bidder by her delusional mother, I prefer to see a levelheaded young talent who has been unfairly vilified by an envious public. With the exception of perhaps Shayne Lamas, few can understand Courtney’s cumbersome burden of both talent and beauty.

Who are we to tell her that she should not publicly expose her underage flesh at a family pumpkin patch or forgo a basic understanding of math and science in order to pursue a degree in “Dougology”? What business is it of ours if she wishes to constantly Tweet nonsensical messages and sexualize mundane tasks? Perhaps we should be thanking her for rejecting a system that prefers contributions to humanity and age-appropriate wardrobes over superficiality and debilitating narcissism.

Of course, there is also the possibility that Courtney is just vapid and clueless. She makes me feel like I owe Heidi Montag a heartfelt apology, but that is probably the result of my sultry subconscious swarming with scintillating scenes of sensual solitude surrounded by a soulless swath of satisfied sarcasm supporters XOXO…..