Covering the Assets

Since her separation from octogenarian boyfriend Hugh Hefner, Holly Madison has joined the cast of the semi-acclaimed production Peepshow. The burlesque show, which has been running at the Las Vegas Planet Hollywood Resort since 2009, has become well known for its artistic combination of emotional depth and naked celebrities. After taking over as the headliner in 2010, Madison had an epiphany:

“If anything happened to my boobs, I'd be out for a few months and I'd probably be out a million dollars. They're my primary money makers right now."

So she did what any self-respecting celebrity would, she took out an insurance policy on them for $1 million with insurance giant Lloyd’s of London. The British insurance conglomerate is famous for writing unusual celebrity insurance policies including Bob Dylan’s voice, Michael Flatley’s legs, Troy Polamalu’s hair, food critic Egon Ronay's taste buds, Yo-Yo champion Harvey Lowe’s hands, and cricket star Merv Hughes's mustache. In fact, this won’t even be the first time that they have insured breasts so there is probably a standardized form by now. While I am admittedly not an insurance expert, they should have paid out on Bob Dylan’s voice a long time ago.

I am curious as to the specifics of the contract. After all, the policy packet for my house (which appraised for far less than Miss Madison’s money makers) is the size of a Detroit phonebook and even has special sections dealing with damage caused by insurrection, space debris, and guided missile attack. For example, does Holly’s policy cover hail damage? Do her assets depreciate? Did she receive a discount for combining her mammary & auto policies?

To be fair, Miss Madison’s chest is not the first that Lloyd’s has issued coverage for and I doubt it will be the last. I just wonder about the mental state of someone who takes a comprehensive inventory of what they have to offer to humanity and settles on the only part of their body that is artificial. It is like saying that my favorite part of my entire face is my sunglasses. Plus, I doubt her breasts will be nominated for a Tony for their supporting role in a topless review at a Planet Hollywood.

Even more baffling are the policies Lloyd’s has written to cover people’s hair. Everyone from football stars to Playboy models carry coverage on their precious follicles, but exactly what calamities are they insuring themselves against? Aside from chemotherapy or a haircut mishap, what scalp-perils are these models encountering on a daily basis? And while I am at it, how do you insure a mustache?

I am surprised they do not insure celebrity relationships. Wouldn’t it be nice to know that you are covered in the event that your mate exchanges information with someone else after an unforeseen romantic collision? Otherwise who is going to pay for damage control when the paparazzo catches your husband coming out of a trendy pilgrim-themed nightclub with his caterer’s personal assistant? The press agents don’t pay for themselves. 

Celebrity Insurance Policies That Lloyd’s should Issue

• Paula Dean’s Teeth
• Sean Penn’s Nicotine Habit
• Lindsay Lohan’s Poor Choices
• Gary Busey’s Dementia
• Chad Kroeger’s Lack of Subtlety
• Nancy Grace’s Rush to Judgment
• Ryan Seacrest’s Unnecessary Enthusiasm    
• Kathy Griffin’s Off-putting Demeanor
• Axl Rose’s Misplaced Confidence