The Virtual Publicist

The recent tsunami in Japan has highlighted the fact that most celebrities have a publicist for a specific reason: they desperately need a publicist. While tens of thousands lost their lives due to the tragedy, several celebrities took to Twitter to bestow their insightful commentary to the world. A few highlights:

Gilbert Gottfried -   "I just split up with my girlfriend, but like the Japanese say, 'They'll be another one floating by any minute now.'”

50 Cent (responding to the initial tsunami warnings) – "Look this is very serious people I had to evacuate all my hoe's from LA, Hawaii and Japan. I had to do it. Lol."

Alec Sulkin (Family Guy scriptwriter) – "If you wanna feel better about this earthquake in Japan, google 'Pearl Harbor death toll.”

Gilbert "Hope Floats" Gottfried

Had these comments been filtered through the proper channels Gottfried would still have a job at Aflac instead of sitting at home waiting on the call from Disney concerning the direct-to-DVD release Aladdin 3: Abu & Iago’s Big Adventure. As of this writing both 50 Cent’s career (and hoes) appear to be intact and Alec Sulkin’s reputation remains about the same.

But even before the tragedy in Japan, notable personalities were using Twitter to make important cultural observations:

Jessica Simpson used her Twitter account to weigh in on geriatric testicles:

"Dear elderly man at the gym: its hard 4 me 2 keep composure whilst punching at chipmunk speed when yr ball sack spills out of yr wind shorts."

Tila Tequila eloquently discussed religious prophecy:

"I am the virgin Mary, and my child will be born Jesus Christ. I am the second Coming.......God told me so. I shall save all the good people."

Former MLB pitcher and radio host Mike Bacsik tried his hand at race relations:

"Congrats to all the dirty mexicans in San Antonio,"

While I cannot disagree with Miss Simpson’s disdain for the unsecured testicles of the elderly, perhaps it was unnecessary to commit such musings to writing. For whatever reason, modern celebrities believe that success in their chosen pursuit qualifies (and compels them) to bestow their viewpoints on the general populace, yet I cannot think of a single celebrity whose career has been enhanced by Twitter.

This celebrity Twitter trend has concerned me to the point that I felt compelled to develop a new piece of software called “Virtual Publicist.” The program can be installed on celebrity smart phone and will turn thoughtless comments into benign observations. A few examples:

                      Input                                                                             Output

Jews ruin everything!	I enjoy sailboats!
I just hit some Mexicans with my Bentley. I hope their donkey didn’t scratch my paint! LOL!	I am no longer certain that the doctrine of mutual destruction is the most viable option to suppress worldwide nuclear proliferation.
Apparently Shoney’s dislikes it when people snort rails of coke off the breakfast buffet. Go figure.	Be sure to support your local boys and girls club!
I just visited some white people in their natural habitat @ a trailer park!	Oranges provide folic acid!
I am so tired of people complaining about childhood prostitution!	I have decided to purchase a telescope for my son.
OMG! It was so hard to get a car loan that I thought for a second I was black!	These unseasonable warm temperatures are wreaking havoc on my sinuses!
I am going to host an abortion-themed dinner cruise.	Wyoming’s state bird is the Western Meadowlark!
This Rwandan Genocide board game is tough!	I collect antique shoe-horns!