To The Politicians

I cannot help but feel somewhat disillusioned by the state of our legislative body after the midterm elections. In the interest of full disclosure, I voted about half Republican and half Democrat in the midterms and have never been a registered member of or donated to either party. I try my best to research the candidates I support and do so based on their stances. With that being said, I have decided to pen an open letter to several members of our Federal legislative body which no one will read.

To Mitch McConnell,

Hello Ladies......

As minority leader of the Senate you recently announced that the single most important priority for the Republican Party over the next two years was making sure that President Obama does not get re-elected. With all due respect Mr. McConnell, that is one of the most insulting statements I have ever heard. You truly believe that the greatest use of your time and our money is campaigning against the sitting president for the next two years. Apparently job creation, social security reform, national security, or foreign policy has become secondary to the making sure Barack Obama is a single term President.

You are fortunate you are a politician because I doubt that such an attitude would fly outside the confines of Congress. I can just imagine my next performance review and when my boss asks what I feel my most important job function as a network technician is I respond “Making sure the current mayor doesn’t receive the votes necessary to reinstate him.” I am sure your eloquent rebuttal would be that ousting Obama would positively affect all the aforementioned areas of concern, but that would be a cop-out of the worst kind. You cannot roll up all of our nation’s problems and lay them at the feet of one man, even if he is the president. It was irrational to do so with Bush and it is equally irrational to do so with Obama. Do what you are actually paid for and not what you would like to be paid for.

To Nancy Pelosi,

When one overly-conspicuous American flag backdrop just wont cut it...

                In the name of all that is holy, please just go quietly into that good night and quit wrangling to hold leadership positions in the House. You are so wildly unpopular that if they elected you chair of the Federal drinking water committee 85% of America would opt for dehydration. I realize that it is difficult to go from third in line for the Presidency to plain old representative, but I think it is abundantly clear that is what America wants. You are paid to serve the country by representing your constituency, please do so out of the limelight.    

In addition, I am tired of seeing your face on every single Republican mailer I get. Each time a local member of the GOP runs for Municipal Illumination Supervisor I have to hear about how he is dedicated to stopping the “Pelosi Agenda” because apparently your liberal bias has negatively affected the performance of our sodium-vapor bulbs on East Avenue.

To Jim DeMint,

Have you or a loved one been injured in an auto accident?

You have put forth the single most practical solution to government overspending of the entire midterm election season. While every single candidate touts their commitment to fiscal responsibility and doing more with less, you have stepped up to the plate and suggested that we should end all congressional earmarks for both parties.

While I doubt that such a sweeping change could gain a foothold in the current political climate, just having you suggest it probably caused two-thirds of the house to soil their designer trousers. It was worth every penny.

On a side note, your idea to fire female public school teachers caught having pre-marital sex is the worst idea since David Hasselhoff’s Greatest Hits CD. If you are that concerned with morality I propose a committee of female public school teachers who have the power to fire politicians who cheat on their spouses.

To The Tea Party,

            Keep the flat tax and drop the nut jobs. The Republicans may think of you as the embarrassing cousin and fight to keep you out of leadership, but several of your ideas are common sense and we could use them. Also, please try and refrain from using Hitler on any more billboards.

To the entire Legislative Body,

            Get your crap together. We have a Republican House and a Democratic Congress which means one of two scenarios can play out:

•  Each party could use every single issue as a pissing contest while the people who fund your salaries become nothing more than pawns in partisan wrangling.
• Both of you could acknowledge that the strength of our system lies on the existence of, and cooperation among, differing ideologies to bring about a common good.

 I prefer option number two. The Republicans are so bent on repealing “Obama care” in its filthy liberal entirety they are unwilling to acknowledge that it contains provisions (such as insurance companies not being able to drop you when you get sick) that are widely supported. You may not agree with the all the words said, but at least he Democrats started the conversation.

Conversely, the Democrats feel that not extending the Bush-era tax cuts to the wealthy is the hill to die on, it isn’t. Also, it is fine to fight for important provisions in the health care bill, but allowing some Republican input and tweaking could streamline its effectiveness while allowing it to be more readily fundable and accepted.

And could someone please simplify the Federal Tax code? I realize that doing so would ensure the demise of H&R Block, but if I could just be a given a simple percentage that I owed each year I would not feel the need to own a graphing calculator.