News of the World Part 1

Florida Roofer Gets Eyeful

Michael Ireland is a typical blue-collar Floridian. After a tough day roofing houses in September 2008, he stopped by Palm Beach’s Cheetah Club to enjoy the drinks, camaraderie, and full-frontal nudity that the gentlemen’s club was known for. Taking a seat along the bar, he was in prime position to witness the subtle erotic stylings of Sakeena Shageer when something went terribly awry. During her performance, Miss Shageer felt someone touch her and when she wheeled around to confront the perpetrator, her metal four-inch heel accidentally caught Mr. Ireland in the face shattering the bones around his eye-socket and nose.

Mr. Ireland (pre-lapdance)

Now suffering from persistent vertigo and double-vision (insert your own Foreigner reference here) Ireland retained local personal injury litigator, Trey Lytal, and successfully sued the club for $650,000 of medical costs and, presumably, emotion distress. Mr. Ireland’s attorney feels that the judgment demonstrates the seriousness of the injury and indicates a lack of safety concerning the footwear of adult performers. There has been some indication that the Cheetah Club may require its dancers to utilize tennis balls on their metal heels to prevent any future injury.

Anger Management Fail

 Nineteen year-old Seattle resident Faribah Maradiaga had been through a bit of rough patch. She had been recently arrested for assault and been sentenced to attend anger management classes at Bellevue College to help her control her temper. While attending a session last Saturday morning, it appears that Faribah lost a little ground.

According to the Seattle Times, the class was enjoying an instructional video concerning temper mitigation when Miss Maradiaga began loudly complaining about the film. Another student, attempting to appear supportive, informed Faribah that "the video was good and to give it a chance." Maradiaga decided that the situation called for an impromptu demonstration, so between waves of vulgarity she produced a knife with a three-inch blade and began wildly stabbing her classmate until witnesses could forcibly remove her.

The victim suffered multiple lacerations to her arm and shoulder and Faribah followed up the attack with a few death threats toward the victim’s immediate family. She is currently being held on $50,000 bond and is awaiting arraignment on second-degree assault charges. I am assuming that she received an “unsatisfactory” for anger management class.

While I am no psychologist, it would appear that it is going to take more than a video and a sub-par cup of coffee to rehabilitate someone who feels it necessary to carry a three-inch dagger to an anger management class. I believe that Faribah might pose an honest-to-God danger to society. If she feels the defender of an instruction video deserves to have her entire family murdered, I would hate to see her reaction when someone cuts her off in traffic. In her defense, she may have recently received an unwanted text message from Brett Favre…

One Bad Decision Leads to Another

A twenty-seven year-old Tulsa woman is in legal trouble after a wild evening in Bartlesville, Oklahoma. She began the night by stealing a donut from a man’s pick-up truck and after consuming said pastry she relieved herself in the parking lot of a twenty-four hour convenience store. The store’s owner called the police who confronted the young citizen about the alleged donut-heist / urination combo. She replied by asking the police officer for money if she agreed to have sex with him. She has been charged with vehicle burglary, trespassing, indecent exposure, and soliciting prostitution.

Perhaps the most disturbing aspect of this story is what she was not charged with: public intoxication or possession of a controlled substance. Being an optimist, I naturally assumed her actions were the result of “chemical enhancement,” but it appears her decision making was unobstructed. If it were me, I would have insisted that I was intoxicated in order to salvage whatever dignity had survived the evening. If this series of events was the best plan she could assemble fully sober, I would hate to witness a Friday night after her judgment had been compromised. 

One More Reason No One Likes the White Sox

Chicago resident and White Sox enthusiast Eugenia “Gina” Bebis decided that she wanted to make the ultimate commitment to her team; she decided to get a tattoo. After what I can only assume was weeks of exhaustive research, Gina decided on Mystic Tattoo Art & Body Piercing, a company whose entire Internet presence consists of a Myspace page. The two photos below are “success stories” from their online portfolio:

Both chivalry and grammar have taken a substantial hit...

When simply eating red meat isn't commitment enough.....

Satisfied that Mystic was the place for her, Gina commissioned one of their artists to place a White Sox tattoo on her outer thigh. Upon completion, Ms Bebis realized that the word “Sox” was backward. Embarrassed and infuriated, Gina went about having the tattoo removed through several laser procedures and now claims that despite these measures, the outline of “Sox” is still visible. She has filed a lawsuit against Mystic for $50,000 in damages and plans to acquire a larger thigh tattoo to cover the faded artwork in question.

Gina's Tat

The tattoo artist has publicly defended himself by pointing out that Ms Bebis personally approved the proof he used to ink the final product and this seems entirely plausible. After all, he would have placed the proof on her thigh, she would have looked in the mirror to check it, and it would have appeared correctly in the reflection.

I am not sure which party is exhibited less common sense, the grown woman who failed realize that reflections appear backwards or the employee who failed to realize that he had a customer who failed to realize that reflections appear backwards. This could have all been avoided if she had just been a Cubs fan.