Tila Tequila: One Classy Dame

When one thinks of modesty, grace, and feminine understatement there is but one name that rises above all others. Born Tila Nguyễn, the French Vietnamese starlet is world renowned for her ability to inspire joy, hope, and wonder. Whether it is through the heartfelt prose of her comically over-titled self-help book Hooking Up with Tila Tequila: A Guide to Love, Fame, Happiness, Success, and Being the Life of the Party or the delicate undercurrent of a pending emotional apocalypse on songs like Stripper Friends or I F****d the DJ, Tila embodies the modern woman in a manner inaccessible to the fainthearted.

The first glimmer of greater things came when Tila was eighteen and she was discovered by a Playboy talent scout in a Houston Mall. Shortly thereafter she became a staple in journalistic mainstays like Penthouse and Maxim which led to her own MTV Reality Dating Show called A Shot at Love. The premise was fairly routine, a small group of self-involved contestants would compete for the affection of an even more self-involved individual all while nurturing their own meager attempts at notoriety. The twist was that Tila is a self-proclaimed bi-sexual and her potential mates represented both genders.

Wishing to pursue her love of music and poetry, Miss Tequila began releasing music through digital retailers. In her music she confronts all of the trappings of a sophisticated young woman:

Jealousy (as told in the track Knock You Out)

Anytime in the club or the bar,

girls be acting like they retards!

Mad 'cause they man straight up rock hard

and he ain't even on my radar!

Tila Tequila rockstar!

Substance Abuse (as told in the track Get High)

I just want

To get high

(Like that)

Give me some pills

I just wanna party

Tonight

Relationship Ground Rules (as told in the track I Love You)

 You betta obey if you want my nookie,

You betta stop talkin' to all them hoochies.

You betta wise up and listen to me,

I will f*** you up!

Financial Planning (as told in the track Sugar Momma)

You need to just get up out my house

And be impressin me,

And buy me things,

Why I'm always buyin you this,

Buyin you that,

I don't never see you give nothing back

You need to get a job,

Or at least walk the dog,

Tila would later become engaged to heiress Casey Johnson who suddenly passed away in 2009. Miss Tequila would continue to make headlines concerning the relationship when she claimed that Johnson’s friends forcefully removed the late heiress’s dogs from her home with the intention of having them murdered and placed in the casket with Johnson. In early 2010, Tila claimed that Johnson had come to her in a vision, asking her to gain custody of Casey’s adopted daughter (apparently the dogs were not discussed.)

Wishing to place her this troubling past behind her, Tila agreed to showcase her music at the prestigious “Gathering of the Juggalos” music festive in Illinois. For the uninitiated, the juggalos (and juggalettes) are fans of the eclectic rap ensemble The Insane Clown Posse and the festive includes acts of similar caliber performing on a main stage.

After the crowd was warmed up by illustrious Tom Green, Tila took the stage and found herself immediately pelted by rocks, bottles, and projectile feces. In a valiant effort to earn the crowd’s attention and respect, Tila immediately removed her top and continued to serenade concertgoers despite their hostile remarks and continued use of flying turds.

Her resolve quickly changed when a well-aimed toss with a rock hit her in the face and cancelled her encore. She was then escorted to her trailer where the crowd smashed the windows in an apparent attempt to flush her out. She then sought refuge in an SUV which further irritated the juggali causing them to smash the vehicle’s windows as well.   

Tila has filed a lawsuit against the festival’s organizers in order to “bankrupt” them. The juggalos’ lawyers have not yet responded but inside reports have warned Miss Tila to watch her front porch for a flaming bag of rebuttal. Even so, destroying the financial ability of the Insane Clown Posse to sponsor an annual music festival may prove to be Tila’s greatest single contribution to humanity.