Random Thoughts Part 3

·         I enjoy the fact that my microwavable Panini sandwich has artificial “grill lines” on it so that I can pretend I am actually having lunch at an upscale bistro in Europe instead of slumped on my couch at home watching a Jersey Shore marathon.

·      It is time someone put a stop to unnecessarily specific Facebook fan pages. It is no longer sufficient to like “water” or “puppies” so users are creating pages called: “Although chocolate is my favorite ice cream flavor and the lady at Baskin-Robbins once made a mistake and gave me vanilla, I did not call her attention to it because I fear that I will begin to define my self-worth according to the level of difficulty I create for people in food service jobs.” or “Don’t you hate it when you are diagnosed with a rare chromosomal deficiency that negatively impacts the dexterity of your left pinky?”

·         There is endless irony to be mined from the fact that both my bank and insurance company asks me to type in my social security number, birthday, and billing zip code to “protect my personal information.”

·         Where exactly is “The Disney Vault” and is it possible to purchase a safety deposit box inside of it?

·         In the name of all that is holy, please take the two extra seconds to put your shopping cart back in the parking lot cart receptacle after unloading it. It may be your only contribution to humanity and it prevents me from having a head-on collision with “ghost buggy.”

·         Is it irreverent to place a family picnic area in a cemetery?

·         Should I be concerned that the plastic recycling bin that I purchased from a local office store is not, itself, recyclable?

·         Dear Mel Gibson,

Perhaps the next time you are pulled over for DUI it would be best if you limited your responses to “Yes Officer” or “No Officer.” An intoxicated traffic stop may not be the best forum to air your grievances against the entire Jewish race.

·         Why do bands think that it is profound to display abstract images on the “jumbotron” during their concerts? I once saw a show where the band’s entire set-list was accompanied by what looked to be a looped surveillance tape from a public transit system playing in the background. If I have already paid $50 for my seat, please do not insult my intelligence by subjecting me to the Claymation video of an alien having coffee with Ronald Ragan on a speed boat that your nephew made in Final Cut Pro. And by the way, your songs are still awful even if you christen them with seemingly profound names like “Incandescent Darkness” or “Triathlete Revisionist Narcolepsy.”

·         What qualifications does one have to poses to be considered a “mogul?”

·         I think that Wal-Mart should give an award for the most awkward combination of three items purchased in a single transaction. Some examples might be: 

•           A family size can of Roadhouse chili, fabric stain remover, and a shovel
•           Two pints of anti-freeze, a box of instant grits, and a case of adult diapers. 
•           Super-glue, a cabbage patch doll, and a copy of The Purpose Driven Life. 
•          Pictionary, a home pregnancy test, and a box of handgun ammunition.
•       NyQuil, a roll of duct tape, and a sympathy card.  

·         I am authoring a law that would prevent people from commenting on YouTube videos. I am tired of looking up a clip and having to read a never ending argument between str8pimpN and buk4thelimo over who is a bigger “homo.”  You are both internationally-documented morons.

·         I have developed a fool-proof platform on which to run for public office. My stances are as follows:

•  Opposed to cancer, child-abuse, and gang violence (or any combination of the three)
•   Firmly committed to less over-spending
•   Favors education over non-education
•   Pro-Democracy
•   Anti-Starvation
•   Pro-Justice
•   Anti-Injustice

·         If you choose to communicate using makeshift acronyms, please ensure that their meanings are widely established first. This chart should help:

Widely Recognized	Obscure
LOL – Laugh Out Loud	GSHISM – Giggling So Hard I Soiled Myself
OMG – Oh My God	SFM – Sweet Fancy Moses
IDK – I Don’t Know	INLTR – I Never Learned to Read