Impregnate, Propose, Repeat

There is nothing that pains me more than witnessing the implosion of true love, which is why I was understandably distraught when news broke that Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston had called off their engagement, again.

So what could have soured such a sacred bond? They certainly enjoyed a solid foundation. It was even reported that when Levi lost Bristol’s promise ring on a caribou hunt (it could’ve happened to anyone) he had her name tattooed on his finger. In 2008, Bristol’s mother was chosen as John McCain’s running mate in the upcoming presidential election which coincided with the revelation that Bristol was “in a family way.”

So on September first of that year, the couple decided to make their dedication public and announced their engagement (and Bristol’s pregnancy) at an intimate gathering of close friends (the Republican National Convention). Unfortunately, this first engagement was called off just a few months after the birth of their son and a schism developed between Levi and the Palin camp causing the couple to go their separate ways.

Bristol, who is now gainfully employed as an abstinence spokesperson, is the centerpiece in a living dichotomy. After all, it can be argued that the very reason she possess the name recognition that landed her the gig was the fact that she never bought the message she was hired to sell. In fact, she told Fox News in a February 2009 interview that abstinence was “not realistic at all.” Perhaps even more ironic, is the fact that her platform of “sexual abstinence” is being funded by a company whose exploitation of fragrance-enhanced eroticism has become legendary. The Candies Foundation, a philanthropic arm of Candies Fragrances and Fashion, is dedicated to preventing teen pregnancy through, among other things, abstinence. Below is an example of a print ad for Candie’s Fragrance line.

 Maybe I am reading too much into this. Perhaps Mark McGrath and his raven-haired roommate are simply following the Candies Foundation’s directives and pausing to “think about the consequences” and “reevaluate their relationship.” Or maybe it is exactly what it looks like and this girl will be left will nothing but regret, a signed Sugar Ray CD, and a low-grade fever. 

For his part, Levi and his family claimed that they were under a “gag order” that prevented them from discussing The Palin Family until Sarah’s bid for the White House had run its course. In subsequent interviews, Levi would also claim that The Palin’s knew he and Bristol we having sex in their house and even offered to secretly take Bristol’s baby and raise it as their own. Palin denied the claims and labeled Levi as “attention seeking and desperate.” Seeking to disprove Palin’s assessment of him, Mr. Johnston decided to pose nude for Playgirl Magazine.

In an interview on CBS, Levi insisted that all pictorials would be done “tastefully” and that his financial compensation would be used to support his family. His manager, Tank Jones, reiterated the classy nature of the photos to TMZ by announcing “everything's gonna hang out. We're talking full johnson." This drew criticism from momma Palin who publicly referenced Levi’s blossoming “porn career.” Johnston later backed down and declined to fully showcase his “man bits” but insisted that Sarah Palin’s comment did not affect his decision. Tank was reportedly inconsolable.

Yet despite the public bickering, a nasty child custody case, and the discovery that Playgirl Magazine was still a financially viable publication; the two lovebirds privately reconciled. In July of this year they announced that they were engaged and on the very night their re-betrothal was made public, Levi decided that he should tell his fiancée that he may or may not have impregnated another teenage girl.  Bristol publicly announced that she “had been played” by Levi and that it was really over this time. If only Levi had not sprayed on his Candies Cologne before walking into that Starbucks…….