Things I Am Scared Of (Part 1)

I had read once that physiologists utilized a specific technique to aid their patients in overcoming their fears. The theory was that fear’s crippling power in a person’s life stemmed from that person’s refusal to unmask it. In order to combat this phenomenon, many doctors would have their patients create a detailed list of the things that frightened them. By doing so, the power of the phobia was diminished.

With that in mind, I have decided to make a list of my fears in order to ensure that they no longer pose a threat to my emotional well-being.

Things That I Am Scared Of:

·         Waking up in a post-apocalyptic society, discovering that the only two remaining forms of sustenance are spinach or human flesh, and hesitating when given a choice between them.

·         That Nancy Grace will one day actually obtain justice.

·         People who place an inexpensive chain through a spent rifle casing, place it around their neck as jewelry, and when asked about its significance respond with “Remind me one day to tell you how my cousin died.”

·         Any pharmaceutical television commercial that includes images of an elderly couple riding bicycles.

·         That a cast member of The Hills will one day become a Federal legislator.

·         A dialysis clinic that also offers check cashing services.

·         Ground beef products at the grocery store that are labeled “clearance.”

·         Regaining consciousness during a surgical procedure just in time to see the physician peer into my torso and casually remark to the scrub nurse “This is nowhere near how it looked on Ask.com.”

·         That my house has a peculiar odor that I am unable to detect because I live there.

·         That one of my neighbors is a serial killer and I will someday be the moron on the news that utters statements like “He was always so polite” or “Not everyone who paints a pentagram on their mailbox and uses human blood as eye shadow is a bad person!”

·         That I never again have the urge to watch a narrated documentary once Morgan Freeman passes away.

·         That Sean Penn will write, direct, and star in an animated Disney film called “Why Won’t Mommy Wake Up?”

·         The Black Eyed Peas.

·         That Progressive Insurance will continue to underwrite the television commercials that feature the saleswoman “Flo.”

·         Unicycle street gangs.

·         The ambiguity surrounding whether or not ketchup should be refrigerated.

·         The inability of celebrities to give their children names unlikely to drive them into chemical dependency.

·         People who wear their sunglasses upside down on the back of their neck, at night.

·         That I will accidentally cut off a nun in traffic.

·         The ingredients list on a can of “Manwhich.”

·         Accidentally farting during a particularly reverent prayer.

·         That Larry King will release a sex tape.

·         Taking myself too seriously.