Kirkland, Fincher, or Flinn?

Much to my chagrin, I fill the two prerequisites necessary to have my life ruined by a recent political campaign:

     1.         I have previously voted in a Republican primary.

     2.       I live in Tennessee’s 8^th Congressional District.

The coexistence of these two factors guarantee that I need not worry about returning from my mailbox empty handed. After looking through a week’s worth of postal deliveries, I realized that 45% of my mail was from or concerning Stephen Fincher, Ron Kirkland, or George Flinn; each of whom is salivating over the Republican nomination for the aforementioned Congressional seat.

At first, each candidate sent informational packets that succinctly outlined their stance on particular issues. As a voter, I found this helpful when attempting to decide who I would rather see representing the Republican party; however, the situation quickly deteriorated (and yet became infinitely more entertaining) as each candidate attempted to “out conservative” each other. Unable to decide who was the most conservative (and thereby, most deserving of my support) I set up a series of categories to ascertain each man’s qualifications. Enjoy.

Flannel Shirt Category – In this strategy, each candidate is featured wearing a long sleeve flannel shirt, blue jeans, and a smile that says, “There is nothing I like more that real folk!” While sporting this ensemble, the candidate is invariably shaking hands with another man whose chosen career path did not require secondary education. The candidate receives extra points for each individual pictured that is wearing camouflage.

Winner – Stephen Fincher

While I have no doubt that all three men can appear folksy in flannel, Fincher is probably the only contender who owned his flannel shirt before he announced his candidacy.

Family Category – In this competition, each candidate attempts to portray that they adore their wife and children more than their rolling stone counterparts. A bonus is given for each child under the age of 14, and if the congressional hopeful is advanced in age, grandchildren can be substituted without penalty. The purpose of this is twofold; it reassures the voters that they are fully aware of the difficulties and concerns of the modern Tennessee family and puts to rest any nagging concerns about the candidate’s fertility.

Winner – Ron Kirkland

With 4 children, 3 grandchildren, and a wife of 41 years Ron has proven that his commitment to his family is almost as powerful as his ability to make it rain offspring.           

The Black and White Evil Democrat Pose – To win this competition, the candidate must create a mailer that features a slightly-pixelated monochrome photo collage of prominent Democrats in unflattering poses. Must include both Pelosi and Obama to qualify and extra consideration will be given to each additional Democrat featured (please note: at this time there is no bonus given for Joe Liberman.) It is advisable to caption the photo with one of the following phrases:

“Had Enough?”

“They Must Be Stopped!”

“It Is Time To Take Our Country Back!”

“Who Will Save Us?”

“There is Treachery Afoot!”

Winner – George Flinn

George’s fliers feature grimacing portraits of Obama so unattractive that the reader almost feels the president must have been constipated during the photo session.

The “We Are Down With J.C.” Pose – If you wish to succeed as a conservative candidate in the south, you must have unimpeachable church credentials. While a personal statement of theology is too cumbersome for a flyer, a picture is worth a thousand words and in this round each contestant must convey their allegiance to Judeo-Christian ethics with a photo. A five point bonus is assessed if the picture was taken at a Baptism.

Winner – Stephen Fincher

Not only does he go to church, his forefathers started a church and his entire family is part of a traveling Gospel music ensemble that began decades ago. Suck on that Deacon Kirkland!

The Pro-Life Pose – In this round, the candidate must present their unflinching opposition to abortion by demonstrating their commitment to life. While many candidates feel confident that their “family pose” will suffice, I highly recommend additional mailers and commercials that feature the congressional hopefuls with other people’s babies.

Winner – George Flinn

He has obliterated the competition by featuring photos of himself with smiling infants and even distributing a fan-fold brochure that follows a little girl’s development from birth to the onset of osteoporosis. If this guys was any more pro-life he would personally impregnate half the 8^th district’s female voters just to take advantage of the delivery room photo ops.

 The Patriotic Category – In this round, each candidate makes the case that he is more American than his adversaries. Military service, reverence for the constitution, and prominent shots of the American flag are the cornerstones that will lead to victory.

Winner – Ron Kirkland

In addition to prodigious use of American flag photography and his honorable service record in Vietnam, Kirkland actually has a photo of himself, surrounded by ethnically diverse elementary students, saying the pledge of allegiance, in a public school. Game over.

 As you can see, even with my fool-proof selection process I have come to a dead-end. I even tried using campaign slogans as a tie-breaker:

Kirkland – Proven. Trusted. Conservative.

Flinn – Faith. Family. Freedom.

Fincher – Plow Congress!

However, this seemed unfair since I am reasonably certain that Fincher’s marketing team was unaware that “plow” is a widely used as a euphemism for the sexual conquest of another individual. So I have decided that the most responsible way to pick a candidate is through the use of a magic 8-ball while wearing a flannel shirt. I will let you guys know how it turns out.