Tori Spelling: As Seen on (Mediocre) TV

While many actresses struggle with the burdens of talent and marketability, there are only a chosen few with the courage to pursue their dreams despite possessing neither. Their determination should be an inspiration to us all, and I can think of no greater embodiment of such fortitude than Victoria Spelling. Born on May 16, 1973 into wealth, prestige, and the absence of honest self-assessment; “Tori” would soon find her calling as an actress.

Thanks to her father’s influence in the business, Tori was awarded cameos on The Love Boat, Fantasy Island, and Saved by the Bell before landing her first lead role playing doomed cheerleader Stacy Lockwood in the made-for-TV masterpiece A Friend To Die For. In the interest of both brevity and clarity, I will list her subsequent made-for-TV-movie appearances in chronological order:

Awake to Danger – Tori plays Aimee McAdams, the 16-year-old daughter of a parent who is murdered during a rather inefficient home-invasion. During the aforementioned crime, Aimee sustains a head injury and is comatose for 18 months (presumably to minimize her on-screen dialogue.) Unfortunately for young Aimee, the killer is still on the loose and she awakens to more than a high medical deductible. 

Deadly Pursuits – Tori plays Meredith, a former stripper who has defaulted on her (student?) loan to the mob who in turn assigns a hit man to teach her a permanent lesson. Hijinks and mayhem ensue as Meredith encounters and befriends Tim, a young man attempting to locate his father in the exact same locations chosen by an on-the-lamb retired exotic dancer.

Co-ed Call Girl – Tori portrays Joanna Halbert, a college student whose roommate, as a prank, signs her up as a high-end prostitute (Sara! You are such a joker!). Joanna is mildly furious but decides to keep her career options open and soon finds herself seduced by the monetary rewards of the carnal trade. Unbeknownst to Joanna, there is a dark side to unregulated high-end prostitution.

 Mother, May I Sleep With Danger? – Tori plays Laurel Lewisohn, a wide-eyed college student who become romantically involved with an upstanding young man named Kevin Shane. Without warning (or clichés) Kevin becomes possessive and violent toward young Laurel and she must rely on her anemic cunning to survive. There has been rumor of a sequel: Father, May I Nap With Peril?

Alibi – Tori plays Marti Gerrard, an injured ski-champion who befriends a famous software tycoon named Connor after he dials her phone number by mistake. As luck would have it, Connor’s wife is violently murdered while they are chatting and Marti realizes that only she can be his (wait for it…) alibi.

Hush – Tori plays acclaimed children’s book author Nina Hamilton whose husband decides to move back to the small town where he grew up in order to open a medical practice. Unfortunately for Mr. Hamilton, and the local chamber of commerce, a crazy ex-girlfriend is out for revenge. Stolen embryos and feline homicide are just a few of the treats waiting for the audience in this gem.

Mind Over Murder – Tori plays Holly Winters, an assistant district attorney who suffers a head injury that gives her psychic abilities. She uses her new superpower to track down a dangerous killer and conspiracy that could shake the very foundations of a local municipal government.

House sitter – Tori plays Elise, a waitress and aspiring painter who is hired to housesit for an eccentric local with a large coin collection. At some point she decides to have sex with a local plumber (presumably to settle a bill) and things get complicated.

Aside from her professional career, Tori has made some great personal strides as well. Thanks to rather ambiguous legislation in her home state, Tori was able to obtain a generic religious ordination via the Internet in 2007 and perform a wedding ceremony at a bed and breakfast.

Just this week however, Tori revealed that she had completed the greatest role of her career:  conduit to the great beyond. In a new book that painfully stretches the tender boundaries of wordplay, Uncharted TerriTORI, the starlet reveals that while making a routine stop at her celebrity psychic she was able to speak to the spirit of the late Farrah Fawcett.

According to her book, Farrah gave Tori several messages that she wished to communicate to her surviving family. Tori obligingly wrote them a letter to inform them that their dead mother/common-law wife had communicated to them beyond the grave. Tori’s celebrity psychic, John Edwards (insert joke here) has been unwilling to confirm or deny the conversation took place.