Terrible Song Lyrics Part 2

Ke$ha – Tik Tok

Ain't got a care in world, but got plenty of beer
Ain't got no money in my pocket, but I'm already here
And now, the dudes are lining up cause they hear we got swagger
But we kick em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger

I'm talking about everybody getting crunk, crunk
Boys tryin' to touch my junk, junk
Gonna smack him if he getting too drunk, drunk

Anytime an artist replaces a consonant in their name with the $ symbol the listener can be assured of a musical and lyrical treat, and Ke$ha does not disappoint. Tik Tok is the leadoff single from her 2010 release Animal which contains such musical milestones as “Party at a Rich Dude's House” and "Blah Blah Blah.” In Tik Tok, Ke$ha expresses both her fondness of alcohol and lack of disposable income, (events that are often mutually inclusive) while revealing that her “swagger” encourages men to congregate around her current location.

Even more telling is that the party’s screening process is based on Mick Jagger’s physical characteristics which, at age 67, could be described as emaciated geriatric post-heroin sheik. The other possibility is she couldn’t locate another word that rhymed with swagger. Either way, the chorus reminds us that despite the good times to be had one must remain vigilant and often employ physical violence to protect one’s “junk.” I couldn’t agree more…

Brad Paisley – Ticks

Every time you take a sip
In this smoky atmosphere
You press that bottle to your lips
And I wish I was your beer
In the small there of your back
Your jeans are playing peekaboo
I'd like to see the other half of your butterfly tattoo.

Hey that gives me an idea
Let's get out of this bar
Drive out into the country
And find a place to park.

'Cause I'd like to see you out in the moonlight
I'd like to kiss you way back in the sticks
I'd like to walk you through a field of wildflowers
And I'd like to check you for ticks.

“Ticks” was the leadoff single for Brad Paisley’s fifth studio effort aptly titled Fifth Gear. The tune follows the adventures of a young man seeking the affections of an unnamed barfly. Enamored by the woman’s tattoo and rather mobile pant-line, he decides that his advances would be more warmly accepted in isolation. Once their nature walk is completed, he coyly plans to check her for “forest leeches.”

While I never advocate the use of the word “peekaboo” in a song, I will admit that exploiting a date’s fear of Lyme disease as an excuse for uninvited physical contact is deviously brilliant. Whether or not Paisley was inspired by the 1993 horror film of the same name remains to be seen, but as a parasitic-themed song about first dates, it’s in a class all by itself.

Nick Lachey – Shut Up

When we touch, when we kiss,
When we shut up
Don't say anything at all

You throw a glass straight at my head
Swear up and down you want me dead
I guess love is in the air tonight
You bite my neck, I pull your hair
Next thing we know, no underwear
Now why can't we just
Turn out the light, forget how to fight
Cuz we got tonight

“Shut Up” was the first single off Lachey’s debut solo album entitled, well, Soul-O. If you thought the future ex-Mr. Jessica Simpson’s clever use of wordplay ended with the title, you are in for a real treat once you get to this cut.  In it, he narrates a scenario that is likely to spawn a domestic assault charge, but for now he is just focused on “tonight.” Apparently Mr. Lachey considers the threat of homicide an aphrodisiac, and before you know it the couple finds themselves sans undergarments.

Undoubtedly Nick wished to tap into the smoldering sensuality that defined musical icons like Barry White and Sade, but from the performance I am not even convinced that he likes this song. The public was unconvinced as well since the album peaked at #51 on the charts and sold less than 175,000 copies. To place that in the proper perspective, when fellow TV star Bruce Willis dropped his first album in 1987 he made it all the way to #14. Shut up indeed.

Black Eyed Peas – Latin Girls

I like Latin them Latin women I do
And they love me cause I'm that man
With cocoa nuts and chocolate skin
I'm that mocha masculine
Feminines that are Latin call ya friends
And call your cousins cause I know you got dozens of them

Yo quiero and I'm sincero

Cuban girls, Cuban girls, I like em'
Puerto Rican girls, Puerto Rican girls, yo quiero
Mexican girls, Mexican girls, yo quiero
Spanish girls, Spanish girls, I like em'
Girls, Girls, Latin girls
Latin girls, Latin girls
Latin girls, What's happenin' girls?

I imagine that this song is more effective at repelling Latin women than the U.S. Border Patrol, and does so at a fraction of the cost. Not only is the Latino stereotyping offensive, such as,  gold digging, inordinately large families, and use of the phrase “You a bronze skin momma,” but they manage to insert just enough broken Spanish to make the listener feel like they are at a rave sponsored by Rosetta Stone.

And while I am on the subject of offensive, “cocoa nuts” sounds like a children’s breakfast cereal created by a demented urologist and “mocha masculine” sounds like a Starbucks drink served at bachelorette parties. The apex of this monstrosity has to be the line “Yo quiero and I’m sincero.” I am not expecting Faust, but is a complete sentence too much to ask for?

Joey McIntyre – National Anthem of Love

This is the national anthem of love
Stepped into the car five words and you’re wrong
She wants to go home
Can't remember a word you said all you know is
you're dead
If you don't straighten things out
And you know you're dead if you don't
So baby if you wanna get some

This is the superbowl of love
You wanna play but it's just too rough and you
wanna go home
Just remember it's only a game

After the dissolution of New Kids on the Block (NKOTB on tha’ streetz) in 1995, the group’s youngest member released a string of solo albums. His 2001 release, entitled Meet Joe Mac, contained the epic ballad “National Anthem of Love.” The song follows what we assume to be a young couple on a date when the gentleman protagonist suddenly says something so hurtful and offensive that his companion immediately demands that she be taken home. Like all great storytellers, Mr. McIntyre leaves those “five words” up to our imagination. Let’s speculate, shall we?

·         Blood doesn’t wash out easily.

·         Where is your jewelry kept?

·         I lost my Nader bumpersticker.

·         Yo quiero and I'm sincero.

·         Prison taught me so much.

·         Please join a Methodist committee.

·         Like my Tiger Woods cologne?

·         I remember you being hotter.

·         Are your blinds always closed?

·         Ever had a McRib combo?

·         Gonorrhea just keeps coming back.

·         I own Joey McIntyre’s album.