Puppy Tweets

I used to believe that there was nothing more asinine than a celebrity Twitter account. Does anyone really care which gym Donny Osmond frequents or how often Paula Abdul eats popcorn? However, I am man enough to admit when I have made a mistake, so please consider this a public apology to all celebrities who have chosen to inundate the blogosphere with the minutia of their everyday existence. Today, I discovered something that makes Tori Spelling’s Twitter account appear to be worthy of the national archives: Dog Tweeting.

Next month, toy giant Mattel will unveil a device (called Puppy Tweets) that allows your canine to update its own Twitter account. How is this accomplished, you may ask yourself? Well, for around $30 you will be provided with a plastic tag that will attach to your beloved pet’s existing collar. The tag is equipped with sound and motion sensors which will gather data and upload them wirelessly through your Internet router. The device has been pre-loaded with several cringe-worthy status updates to ensure that any remaining friends you have will stop returning your calls. To whet the customer’s appetite, Mattel has released the following pre-programmed “tweets” which I will place contextually in real world scenarios.

Scenario 1 – Your dog, overcome by heat delirium, begins enthusiastically barking at its own feces. The plastic tag’s audio capture device interprets this and issues the following Tweet: “Somedays you just gotta get your bark on!” Subsequently, your prom date cancels on you.

Scenario 2 – Your dog ingests a quart of laundry detergent which immediately affects his equilibrium. As a result, he begins to run in circles. This is centrifugal movement is captured by the motion sensor which issues the following update, “"I finally caught that tail I've been chasing and...OOUUUCHH!" Within minutes, a piece of your soul dies.

There are several questions that must be asked:

1.       Why does your dog have a Twitter account to update at all? I truly believe that creating and maintaining separate Twitter accounts for each of your pets could be the most effective early indication of deep-seated mental illness.

2.       Why can’t the technology be utilized for something constructive like informing me that my pet has heartworms or that my dog just bit a priest?

3.       Who would follow these accounts? If the highlight of my day is being updated on the barking status of someone else’s dog, perhaps I need a more interesting hobby like fishing or serial arson.

4.       If the dog ingests the tag, what kind of updates would be produced by the motion and sound sensors?

I can’t wait to find out what MC Hammer’s dog is up to………